Trauma recovery can be ugly even after moments of beauty.
I am going to be very real for a moment as I always am about my journey. I’ve been struggling with some very triggering things that have happened recently. I was at my home one day, and a man knocked on the door. When I opened it, he looked at me with eyes that I knew weren’t right. I told him I didn’t know him, and he proceeded to show me my photo (it was his phone’s wallpaper) and name and said that we had been talking. I started locking the door as he talked because I feared he would push me in with my children present. I told him he had the wrong person even though it was my photo and name, and he left. Days later he showed up with flowers and parked outside my house for 10 minutes. I called the police, and after having to fight to have them dig into it, they did a stalker report and found who he was. They called him, and he was very angry.
The cops then came back to my house and questioned ME to see if I was having an affair and lying. It made me feel so disgusting and scared that they wouldn’t believe me, although I know it’s their job. After another day, they met with him and confirmed what I thought. The man was being scammed.
These people did this to him for about a month. He came back the second time because they told him I was trying to leave my husband and lied to him. The cops joked to me that he said “he was trying to get laid,” which made me feel so gross. These scammers even went as far as to make a fake adult site about me that I got taken down. I don’t know if there are more men that they will send to my home, but it’s been quiet.
I say all of this not to make anyone feel sorry for me, but it’s been a detour in my trauma recovery. It reignited feelings of trauma, violation, body image issues, and fear. Some people will tell me that it’s because I post photos on social media. I never post anything with an address or phone number, but many people can Google those things easily. I considered shutting down all social media, but then that will stop what God has placed on my heart for ministry. They will win.
The PTSD symptoms have come back in full swing because it is causing me to relive those moments that I was unsafe, unheard, helpless, violated, and not believed. Through prayer, God is showing me that I was objectified a lot in my life, and this is causing me to see it. When you are in a more clear mind than before when you were in the abuse/trauma brain fog, it can make things more intense as if you are experiencing it for the first time because you now know your worth. My body didn’t feel like my own, and men especially made me feel disposable, so God is helping me to give myself grace and humanize myself.
I’m hurting right now some days, but I also won’t quit. Satan is very angry, so I must be doing something right. I praise God that it wasn’t worse than it could have been, but for now, I can admit that I’m struggling some times.
This is the ugly part of trauma recovery.